The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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