time to smoke my breakfast
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
