So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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