I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
