dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
