my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
