He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
