five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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