I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
