I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Fuck appropriateness.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Pants are for mortals
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
