Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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