Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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