Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
