Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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