I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
