God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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