proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
