my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
