I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Found the puke drawer
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
