Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
