we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
