I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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