I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize