ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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