if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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