just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
