it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
