so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Welp...herpes.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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