I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Randomize
