You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
