Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
