i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
how does that bad decision feel?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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