Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
