Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
