I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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