Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
