I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
