So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
