Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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