Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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