omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
