At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I met the friendliest cop last night
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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