I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
