watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
