Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
