Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
FUCK WHALES
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
