It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I think my moral compass just broke
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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