my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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