My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
