this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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