Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
