I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
