where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
