He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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