I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
