End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
